Online interracial dating: How to see the person behind the persona

If you have used an online forum before, if you have social network profile of any kind, you already know that people often present online not their real self, but a persona. Most of the times we are presenting to others ourselves as we would like them to be. For example, very reserved men can appear to be quite outgoing and extrovert, when they are safely hidden behind their keyboard. For other people online anonymity is a provocation to show their worst self. If you have seen how mean youtube comments have become, then you know what we are talking about.

So can you be sure who you are talking with, when it comes to online interracial dating? Both white women and black men often construct a profile that presents them in a way that is not exactly in accordance with reality. White women who describe themselves as stunning, mature and experienced might be just plain older ladies, with not many fascinating things about them. And if you want to date black men and the profile reads “a strong man you can rely on”, you might end up going out with a bunch of muscles and nothing more.

But here is the great thing about online interracial dating: you have the time to discover who the other person really is. You do not have to -and shouldn't- go on a date with the other person after exchanging just one message. Get the time to get to know some basic things about them before deciding to meet them face to face. Taking this step can save both of you a lot of time and an unpleasant date. Following are some key questions and discussion topics that will help you find out how your potential date really is.

Ask them how their typical day looks like
Instead of asking someone about their hobbies and interests, ask someone what they do every day, from the moment they wake up, until they go to sleep. If someone claims that she likes sports but they are nowhere to be found in her daily schedule, she probably is not as sporty as she claims. Of course, there are people who work ten hours a day an they do not have time to do the things they like before the weekend. So make sure to ask about their weekends too!

Ask them about their relations with their family
If you ask a man if he wants to get married and have kids, chances are that he will panic and not talk to you anymore. Or he will give you the answer that he thinks you want to hear, without actually meaning what he says. So instead of asking me about marriage and kids, ask him about his bonds with his family. Chances are that if he comes from a loving family and mentions that he has little brothers and sisters or nieces and nephews that he really loves and spends time with, he is a kids person. Of course that is just an indication. The same goes with ladies. And always keep in mind that people who come from broken families want a family of their own, in order to offer all the love they were not given. And of course, people change their mind over time. But asking family questions can spark a conversation about future plans as well, and depending on your own priorities you can decide if it is worth it or not to start dating a person who needs more time to figure things out.

Ask them about the last time they were really happy
People can find happiness in the strangest places. If you want to date black men but you are afraid that the only thing that makes them happy is their car, then you will be pleasantly surprised. And if you want to date white women and you think that their manicure or doing their hair is their one true happy moment, then think again. This question usually helps memories to surface and it can help you find out a lot about the other person. The answers are most of the time much more meaningful and less shallow than you would expect.

Ask them about the last time they were angry/sad/hurt
People might be more hesitant to answer this one, because it is linked with negative emotions. Make the start and share an experience of yours first. This will help them open up. If you see that a person gets angry with things that to you seem insignificant, then it can be a good indication that this person is not the ideal date. Of course, you shouldn't necessarily reject people solely on that basis, but you can keep it in mind. If, for example, someone got really mad because their housemates left the house a mess yet again and you are a really messy person, maybe you should look for someone more led back. And so on.

Of course, these questions are not a standard set of rules. They should serve as inspiration for you to come up with your own as well. The key is to ask people what you want to know with a way that does not make them feel threatened or as if they are being interrogated. And as most people have prepared some standard answers to give to typical questions (that they have probably answered a million times already) new questions will be a pleasant surprise for them as well.