What are your own preconceived ideas about interracial dating?  Who helped to shape those ideas?   Was it family?  Was it friends?  Was it society?   Overcoming your own personal preconceptions about interracial dating is essential if you want to pursue someone outside of your race and have a healthy relationship.   Preconceptions are so ingrained into some people that they are never able to overcome them.  The most difficult are the ones that are instilled in us as we are growing up.  Such as, your parents making it clear that it would be totally unacceptable to date someone of a different race. Even the slightest comment made by a mother of father about another race while watching television can have a profound impact on how we view the acceptability of interracial dating and the world.

For those of you interested in moving beyond the antiquated ideas that were implanted in you by someone from another era, read on.

Understanding Preconceptions

As with any issue, they say, half the battle is acknowledging the problem.  In an attempt to understand your own preconceptions, take a moment to do the exercise in Figure 2 on the next page.  Be honest as you record your answers.  List 20 different preconceptions you have about:

1) Interracial dating

2) The reactions people might have if you dated someone outside of your race.

3) The kind of people you will meet while pursuing interracial relationships

There are 20 common preconceptions listed in Figure 1 to assist you in the exercise. You can use them if they ring true for you, add some of your own, or add 20 new ones.  Just keep in mind that these are preconceptions and not necessarily misconceptions.  Leave the second and third columns blank for now.


Figure 1 - Common Preconceptions about Interracial Dating

• My family and friends will make fun of me

• I will be stared at when I go out on dates

• I will be happier

• I will be able to find dates more quickly

• An interracial partner will be more sexually satisfying

• An interracial partner will be more understanding

• An interracial partner will be more financially stable

• A partner from another background will be more willing to commit

• If we have children, an interracial partner will be more willing to stick around

• My loved ones will treat the relationship like a phase

• My partner will become a novelty to my family

• I will have custody issues with an ex-spouse because of my relationship

• I will have to explain myself to other people

• If I have biracial children, people will think that they were adopted

• I will be able to be more uninhibited in bed

• People will gossip about me

• My mother/father/grandparents will disown me

• My partner’s family will be more interesting than my own

• People will be jealous of my relationship

• Sustaining a long-term relationship will be no different than any other

Writing is a powerful tool to help sort out feelings and organize thoughts.  Just this simple exercise has perhaps already helped you to see that there are some real issues that you need to address.  Having ideas in your mind and then looking at those ideas on paper can lead to some powerful personal awareness about yourself and the world that you have created in your mind.   Even though you may have shared these ideas with a close friend or family member, looking at them on paper often brings a new level of awareness.

I should caution that some of the preconceptions that you identified in this exercise might hold some validity.  Some of the most inflammatory preconceptions can actually turn out to be true.  By organizing these ideas and thoughts, if they are true, you will be better prepared to deal with them as they become a reality.    You can take a proactive approach now and determine how you might deal with the situation if it becomes to fruition.   You will then be better prepared to have a rational, constructive solution to the problem.

The second column in Figure 2 is titled “Reality”. Before you complete this section review your preconceptions and think honestly about them.  The next step is to discover the true nature of those preconceptions.   There are several ways in which you can go about this.  Talk to family or friends.  Go to the library and do some research on interracial dating or try finding information on the Internet (but please be certain it is from a reputable source).

Take a look at Figure 3.    
We did a sample of six preconceptions and examined them thoroughly.  Now, you do the same with yours.

This exercise is of critical importance as it helps you to see which of your preconceptions are based in reality and which ones are distortions of the truth. Once you understand the difference, you can move forward with a thorough understanding and an awareness of your preconceptions.  This will also help you to be aware of how those preconceptions shape your actions.

In the third column in Figure 2 entitled “What I Can Do” we took our examples and made a list of efforts and actions that can be taken to help the situation.

Figure 4 What Can I do?

After you have finished the exercise, be sure to go back and review it in its entirety to make sure that you have not left anything out. Remember, we started with 20, but if your list goes beyond that, feel free to expand and expound.  The point is to make sure you really benefit from the process and come out with a clearer understanding of your preconceptions and how to deal with them.   Continue writing and reviewing the exercise until you are confident that you have covered everything.

Once you have completed the exercise, be sure to keep the list readily available.  When these issues start to come up, you will have this tool to fall back on and do a quick reality check.  Perhaps you can post it on a wall or on the refrigerator.   It will make it just that much easier to put the “What Can I Do” column back into action.   Societal and familial influences will undoubtedly affect you once you begin to date outside your race.  It’s better to be armed, prepared, and strong in your convictions when negative issues rear their ugly heads.   Not only will you benefit, but your partner will benefit and delight in the fact that they are with someone who is so proactive, thoughtful and prepared.   

Slaying negative preconceptions can help you have a more happy and enjoyable relationship.

Why should you pursue interracial dating and ignore preconceptions?

You should pursue interracial dating for all of the reasons we have already mentioned and more.  You have searched your soul and, despite any preconceptions, you are willing to work on them and take action. Of course, we are not pushing you into anything here.  If it’s not for you, move on.  

Your preconceptions can hold you back and seriously limit opportunities, experiences and potential partners.  Preconceptions can also be based in some truth.  Think about the times when you have automatically disqualified someone because they don’t fit into the preconceived mold that you have formed for yourself.  Perhaps you meet someone who is bald and you have a preconceived idea that you don’t like bald men (or women).  Some people may push you to give it a try, but the simple fact is that you know you are not attracted to bald people.  You have to have an attraction to begin with.  Right?  Not to say that you wouldn’t be open to it if an attractive, incredibly interesting bald person engages you because you have worked on your preconceptions and are more open than before.  Perhaps you will discover that your preconception was a misconception.

Let’s face it.  Relationships can teach you a world about yourself and the world around you.  It doesn’t even have to be a long-lasting, monogamous relationship.  It might be that one night stand you had with that hot African American yoga instructor.  Although the relationship was purely sexual, you take from it a lot including your new love for yoga and sprouts!  The idea here is that opening yourself up to new ideas, new people and new experiences increases your opportunities to learn about yourself and grow.   

As they say, when one door closes, another door opens.  One road often leads into another.  Think about those North, West, South, East signs.  You are at a crossroads.  If you are only open to going North, think about how much you are missing from not trying out the many other directions there are in life.

What happens when your loved ones want you to live by their preconceptions?  Should you let a family member of friend dictate your personal life?

Obviously the answer here is a resounding ‘hell no!’ It’s your life.  While your family and friends may be well-intentioned, you ultimately have to live with the decisions that you make in life.  Being led around by the whims and wishes of friends and family will only make you one bitter and cynical person who has missed out on the many opportunities and experiences life has to offer.

No one should dictate to you how you should live your life.   If your actions are directed by your family and friends, you won’t ever be truly happy.   If they have trouble with interracial dating, you can try to sit down and rationally talk it out with them.  Find out what it is they have a problem with.  You may discover that, in most cases, much of the problem is rooted in preconceptions and many are fear-based.   You may even want to suggest that they take part in the exercises in this book.  You need to live your own life.  If they truly love you, they will let you do so.

With Friends Like That…

Some of your friends who have a problem with your new dating pursuits might actually be jealous.  Perhaps they have never had the guts to try it.  You will have to look deep into the relationship you have with those friends to determine what really is behind the issue.  You also have to determine what is truly important to you.   Is this truly a friend?  Is it more important to stay friends with this person and keep status quo, or is it more important that you live your own life and play by your own rules, no matter what the cost.

As you embark on your new lifestyle, there may be some friends that just can’t handle it and disappear.  In these cases, you must ask yourself were they friends to begin with.  

The New You

Once you begin to date people of another race, you might begin to see yourself changing and the world around you.  Perhaps you are an Asian woman who had very strict parents who never let you go out to clubs or listen to music.  You begin to date an African American man who is a musician and whisks you away on a regular basis to the funkiest blues and jazz clubs in town.  After going to the club, perhaps you stop at a popular soul food restaurant.  This isn’t to say that all African American men are musicians who eat soul food – we’re just making a point here.   A whole new world of culture can open up to you if you open your mind.

Opening your world up to a different culture can be one of the most rewarding aspects of dating someone outside of your race. Not only will you begin to see the world around you in a different light, but you will also realize that others see you differently. You might even learn something about yourself that you didn’t know. Your friends and family see you in a certain way, but how does someone of a different race see you?  

Think about it in these terms: If you were an A-list actor who only dated within your race, you might have a chance at Paris Hilton or Keanu Reeves.  Those are pretty good options, but open yourself up to the possibility of interracial dating and enter Halle Berry, Lenny Kravitz, Salma Hayek (okay, she’s taken, but we can dream).  Suddenly your world just got a lot more interesting and a lot more colorful! Immediately!